IS THERE ANYMONEY THERE?

Sound advice for spirits in the afterlife. The dead can often be notoriously vague when they attempt to contact the living.

One of the central characters in my novel Badda Moon Rising is a fake clairvoyant in York who witnesses a serious crime one evening and realises he has a choice. Simply reporting the incident will make him a mundane eyewitness, anonymous and forgotten, but passing his information to the police as psychic visions will take him down a different path, hopefully leading to the kind of lucrative fame enjoyed by the top stage psychics such as Sally Morgan, the late ‘scally conman’ Derek Acorah, and Bride of Chucky lookalike Theresa Caputo.

Needless to say, this fictional character takes the latter (more interesting) route, but this started me thinking about those ‘genuine’ touring psychics and also how the spirits should approach them on stage if they want the best results. I’ve come up with a few bits of really simple advice for any dead people who are thinking about contacting their loved ones in spirit form following the funeral.

Firstly and perhaps most importantly, do you really need to contact them as a spirit?

It makes a lot of sense to do some planning in life and, if you’re old or terminally ill, why not tell your loved ones everything you need to tell them before your death. Why not tell them every day just how much you love them? This way, they won’t have to spend huge amounts of cash on mediums in order to hear this by speaking to your ghost. Many mediums charge BIG money for their ‘special gift’, often ‘earning’ more per hour than doctors and lawyers. Most of the famous ones are millionaires several times over.

Here's a typical online advert for a typical psychic medium.

If, however, you didn’t say everything prior to your demise, or indeed, you tragically died quite suddenly, your loved ones may then decide they want to contact your spirit to find out whether or not you loved them, or where the life insurance is kept, etc. This is where the following advice become necessary.

Your grieving partner will typically visit a draughty hall in Doncaster or Crewe, along with two-hundred other hopeful women, where a psychic medium will take to the stage, charging the punters anything between £18 and £40 each for a ‘show’ of two 45 minute slots. If this is the case, you have to give some thought as to how you’ll introduce yourself to your loved one through the stage psychic. This is very important and prevents the medium from looking like a fake in front of their audience.

Let’s imagine you’ve descended from the astral into one of Steven Holbrook’s nightly shows in a local town hall. When you try to contact your partner through Steven, don’t just give him a letter…

If you do, he has to say: “I have someone here beginning with M, or possibly N...”

Why on earth would you do that? If you had no interest in word puzzles when you were alive, why start messing about with them when you’re dead?

Also, don’t just say: “it’s David”. What possible use is that without a surname?

"I have a gentleman here named David."

Telling his audience he has someone named David for an unspecified person, makes psychic Steven look like a fake who’s using the cold reading technique of ‘fishing’. Tell him your FULL name and specifically who you want to contact, not that you're there to speak to “someone”. He’ll connect you far quicker if you say:

“This is David Jessops for Amy Jessops at the front there in the blue woollen coat.”

Yes, the location of your loved one is also important. It’s always good practise to tell the medium where they’re sitting...

“The lady I want to speak to is Janet Matthews in the cream-coloured raincoat to the left of the door back there”.

It saves the medium having to vaguely indicate to half the auditorium, saying: “I have a David for someone in this right half of the room… or possibly the left.”

Again, this makes psychic Steven look like a fake who’s fishing, so DON’T do it.

Once you get chatting with the medium, you can mention someone in a uniform (all spirits seem to be very keen on this) and remember to make vague references to someone with a painful back, pets, a favourite song, and a faulty vehicle or household appliance. The good thing is, once you’re over the initial name hurdle, everything seems to flow just fine…

“He’s telling me how he loved his holidays at the seaside. Where was it again?”

“Blackpool.”

“That’s right, Blackpool. He says you both loved it there, but oooh, do you remember that time it rained and how wet you both got? You were soaked, weren’t you? And he did like his fish and chips, didn’t he? He’s telling me how he always asked for scraps and told them to put plenty of salt and vinegar on. You remember that, don’t you? He says you had a favourite song that always reminded you both of Blackpool. He’s saying it was… It was… it was…”

“Smile, by Lily Allen.”

“That’s right, Smile, by Lily Allen. And he’s saying that’s what you should always do when you hear it. You should smile and think of him. Hey, good times, lass, he’s saying. They were good times, weren’t they?”

The thing is, once spirits start, it’s difficult to shut them up, but first they need to start and overcome that initial name hurdle. Remember, spirits, always give the clairvoyant your name, not a letter, and most importantly, give them your surname.

This is all simple and, let's be honest, rather obvious advice, but If the spirits can’t manage to follow it, they shouldn't worry too much. Neither can any of the other dead people who ‘connect’ with genuine stage mediums in the UK every night.