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IS THERE ANYMONEY THERE?

Advice for spirits in the afterlife who wish to contact the living.

One of the central characters in my novel Badda Moon Rising is a fake clairvoyant who witnesses a crime one evening and realises he has a choice. Simply reporting the incident will make him a mundane eyewitness, anonymous and quickly forgotten, but passing the information to the police as psychic visions will take him down a different path, hopefully leading to the kind of fame enjoyed by the top stage psychics such as Sally Morgan, the late ‘scally conman’ Derek Acorah, and Bride of Chucky lookalike Theresa Caputo.


Needless to say, this fictional character takes the latter route, but this got me thinking about those ‘genuine’ stage psychics and also how spirits should approach them after death. I’ve come up with a few bits of simple advice for any dead people thinking about contacting their loved ones in spirit form following the funeral.

Firstly, do you really need to contact them as a spirit?


It makes sense to do some planning and, if you’re terminally ill, why not tell your loved ones everything you need to tell them before your death. This way, they won’t have to spend huge amounts of cash on psychic mediums in order to speak to you. Many mediums charge BIG money for their ‘special gift’, often ‘earning’ more per hour than doctors and lawyers. Most of the famous ones are millionaires several times over.

If, however, you didn’t bother saying everything prior to your demise, or indeed, you died suddenly, your loved ones may well want to contact your spirit. Your grieving partner will probably visit a draughty hall in Doncaster or Crewe, along with two-hundred other women, where a psychic medium will take to the stage, charging anything between £15 and £40 each for a ‘show’ of two 45 minute slots. If this is the case, give some thought as to how you’ll introduce yourself to your loved one through this psychic. This is very important and prevents the medium from looking like a fake in front of their audience.

Let’s imagine you’ve descended from the astral into one of Stephen Holbrook’s nightly shows. When you try to contact your partner through Stephen, don’t just give him a letter…


If you do, he has to say: “I have someone here beginning with M, or possibly N...”


Why on earth would you do that? If you had no interest in word puzzles when you were alive, why start pissing about with them when you’re dead?


Also, don’t just say: “it’s David”. What possible use is that without a surname? Telling his audience he has someone named David for an unspecified person, makes psychic Stephen look like a fake who’s using the cold reading technique of ‘fishing’. Tell him specifically who you want to contact, not that you're there to speak to “someone”. He’ll connect you far quicker if you say:

“This is David Jessops for Amy Jessops at the front there in the blue woollen coat.”

Yes, the location of your loved one is also important. It’s always good practise to tell the medium where they’re sitting...

“The lady I want to speak to is Janet Matthews in the cream-coloured raincoat to the left of the door back there”.


It saves Stephen having to vaguely indicate to half the auditorium, saying: “I have a David for someone in this right half of the room… or possibly the left.”


Again, this makes Stephen look like a fake who’s fishing, so DON’T do it.


Once you get chatting with Stephen, you can mention someone in a uniform (all spirits seem to be very keen on this) and remember to make vague references to someone with a bad back, pets, a favourite song, and a faulty vehicle or household appliance. The good thing is, once you’re over the initial name hurdle, everything seems to flow just fine…


“He’s telling me how he loved his holidays on the coast. Er, where was it again?”

“Blackpool.”

“That’s right, Blackpool. He says you both loved it there, but oooh, do you remember that time it rained and how wet you both got? You were soaked, weren’t you? And he did like his fish and chips, didn’t he? He’s telling me how he always asked for scraps and told them to put plenty of salt and vinegar on. You remember that, don’t you? He says you had a favourite song that always reminded you both of Blackpool. He’s saying it was… It was… it was…”

“Smile, by Lily Allen.”

“That’s right, Smile, by Lily Allen. And he’s saying that’s what you should always do when you hear it. You should smile and think of him. Hey, good times, lass, he’s saying. They were good times, weren’t they?”

The thing is, once you spirits start, it’s difficult to shut you up, but first you need to start and overcome that initial name hurdle. Remember to always give the clairvoyant your name, not a letter, and most importantly, to give them your surname.

This is all simple enough and, to be honest, rather obvious advice, but If you can’t follow it, don’t worry too much. Neither can any of the other dead people who ‘connect’ with stage mediums in the UK.

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