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  • ianjarvis2000


Like all baby boys at the time, Jesus was ritually mutilated at eight days old by having the end hacked off his todger. Unbelievably, this child abuse still legally continues today with no sign of intervention from the authorities. The foreskin of Christ was preserved with oils and herbs by an old Hebrew woman and stored in an alabaster box, but then it vanished from ‘history’ until the Middle Ages.

It surfaced when Charlemagne gave it to Pope Leo III as a 'thank you' for crowning him Emperor.

Apparently it had been a wedding present to Charlemagne from the Empress Irene, quite a piss-poor gift compared to a dinner service or toaster. It was kept in the Pope’s Sancta Sanctorum until Rome was sacked in 1527 and a German soldier decided to steal this scrap of shrivelled skin, as opposed to gold and jewels. He took it to the stunning hilltop town of Calcata in Italy where his luck ran out and he was captured and imprisoned.

The soldier hid the foreskin in his cell where it remained until it was found thirty years later. From then on, the relic was kept and venerated by the proud people of Calcata, and it was responsible for several colourful urban myths, or ‘miracles’ as the Catholics refer to them. These miracles were enough to have the Catholic Church approve its authenticity over the dozens of other foreskins floating around that supposedly came from Jesus. The Calcata foreskin was definitely the ONE.

In 1900, the Vatican was sick of the celebration of the foreskin and the Pope issued a warning that anyone who so much as mentioned it would be excommunicated. The good folk of Calcata seemingly didn’t give a toss and continued to loudly parade it through the streets every year on the Feast of the Circumcision, a phrase which is a little repulsive.

Unfortunately for Calcata, everything ended in 1983 when the skin vanished once again and, supposedly, no one has seen it since. Many believe it was stolen by agents of the Vatican in order to get people to finally shut up going on about it. Why the foreskin went from being a top Catholic treasure to a being bit of an embarrassment to them is a mystery.

This is definitely what Indiana Jones or Robert Langdon should be searching for in the next film. Maybe a joint venture similar to the Batman/Superman movie?

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